The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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