You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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