Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize