anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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