Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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