Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
