so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You did what with his pubic hair?
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