My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
