Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
