Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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