My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
