i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
