Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
