Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
