I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
