I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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