i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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