i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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