I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the day after is always just damage control
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
