I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
