The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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