how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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