Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
