when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
