So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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