please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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