he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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