My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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