i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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