Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
