I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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