Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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