I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
