If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
