i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize