I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
