Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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