So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize