On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
