what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
