Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
