I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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