Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
