Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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