Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
