She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize