Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
