Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
