I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
