Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
