nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
