at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
