you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
