Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
