HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
