We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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