I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize