6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
