Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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